The View From My Seat

Today was awesome.  I know that's a teenage word but there's no other way to describe it.  Today my Papa, my kids and I flew for the first time.  I won't lie, this was not on my list of "things to do".  I've always considered myself afraid of heights, after today, I'd say that's still true.

A very kind hearted pilot took my Papa's request to fly to heart and made it a reality today.  Papa was all smiles.  My kids were all smiles.  I, on the other hand, was split in two.  One on hand I was thrilled this was happening, the smile on their faces was enough to make me glad I went.  Though to be honest, I thought at one point I was gonna have to use my boggin as a puke bag.  (Well, it was either my boggin or one of my shoes.)

I can say this much...It was something none of us will forget.  I glad I "mommed up" and got in the plane.  I can scratch flying off my bucket list, right along with Papa scratching it off his.

I Never Knew

I Never Knew

I never knew what it was like to have a sleepless night

Or how it felt for little arms to wrap around me so tight

I never knew how butterflies could make me laugh so hard

Until I watched you chasing one, round and round in the yard

I never knew that I could see myself in some else's eyes

Or how my heart could break from a simple little cry

I never had to mop the floor, when someone took a bath

Or knew you could turn a bar of soap into a bubble raft

I never knew how  fun it was to wake early to watch cartoons

Or how cute it was to hear someone say goodnight to the moon

I never knew how hard it was, to wipe crayon off the wall

Or how I would try so hard to catch you when you'd fall

I never knew Christmas morning, could make for memories

Or how fun it was to string popcorn around a Christmas tree

I never thought I'd know every word, to every Disney song

Or how funny it was to listen to a child that sang along

I never knew I could smile, just watching someone sleep

Or how thankful I could be, for the memories I keep

There's so much I didn't know, so much I never knew

But I know I'm truly blessed now, all because of you

Please Explain

Please Explain

Could someone please explain to me
A few things I don't know
Like why my memory's failng me
The older that I grow
Or why when I drink alcohol
I think that I can dance
When I know I have no rythm
And still I take that chance
Or why when fussing at my kids
I get there names confused
Its hard to make them mind
When I'm laughing with them too!
Or why my husband seems to think
He's the fix it man himself
Which reminds we have to fix the wall
Where he tried to hang a shelf
Or why my children ask me questions
Then argue with what I say
If you already knew they answer
Why'd you ask me anyway?
Or why my feet betray me
And let everyone see me bust my ass
Why couldn't I fall when I'm alone
Or at least trip with a little class
These are just a few questions
I thought I'd ask and see
Cause I know I'm not losing my mind
Then again maybe its just me

Still in progress

So many things still in progress......

Still praying and fighting right along side Poppa.  I really and truly hate cancer.  I know things happen for a reason and some things you shouldn't question, but really, this sucks.  Poppa's still doing okay, just seems like he's weakier.  New treatment started a few weeks ago, so we're still crossing our fingers and wishing for the best.

As for the book, well, uh, still in progress.  Trying to write but finding out that being a mom with a hope to be an author is a tiring situation.  I want so bad for this to work, for it to actually be something worth reading.  My oldest daughter is my best critic and a hell of book fan.

So that's the update, life is still in progress.

Our Papa

He’s been here every day I remember of my life

I was just a baby, when he took my sister as his wife

He worked nonstop, took care of her, me and momma too

He became a dad to me, doing everything he didn’t have to do

He’s a good man, with a good heart, the kindest soul you’ll see

He’s the kind of man I’m trying to teach my son how to be

We never thought in a million years it would come to this

Now we’re counting every day he’s here as blessing and a gift

I watched him stand so strong, with every test they put him through

He swears he’s gonna beat this and he always tells the truth

I’ve watched my sister cry, right there with her three kids

I’ve watched his grandkids love him, through every bit of this

I’ve watched his sisters taking time, just to come make memories

I’ve watched them hide their tears, every time they have leave

Please Lord don’t take him, that’s our prayer every night

Please help mend his body, please make everything alright

Please Lord give him strength, help him to fight this every day

Help him to be strong, please stay beside him along the way

Help us to be patient, please help us do everything we can

Please Lord fix our Papa, this family’s heart is in your hands

Our Summer

I noticed recently that a lot of our weekends are becoming the same.  That happens sometimes though, especially when you go through what we've been dealing with.  Earlier this year, in April, my brother-in-law Sam was diagnosed with lung cancer.  His response when the doctor told him he had less than a year "It's just a little muddy water in the road, we'll get through this."

For some people, a brother-in-law being diagnosed with something like this would affect them but maybe not as bad as it has us.  Sam married my sister when I was 5, maybe 6.  (My sister is 20 years older than me.)  To me though, he's not my brother-in-law.  He's my dad.  No, he wasn't with my mom at any point in time like some freaky talk show.  He raised me though.  He taught me to ride a bike, taught me to drive a stick shift, and he was always there when I needed a dad.  (My real father wasn't.)

My kids don't call him uncle, he is and always will be there Papa.  He was at the hospital for the birth of both of my daughters as well as my son.  He's been so much of a dad to me that my son is named after him. 

Every weekend since his diagnosis his sister's have come to visit.  We have spent every weekend grilling out and just enjoying time together.  It makes you think though, everytime we do this will it be the last?  We went shopping for my son's birthday and I fought back tears wondering if this would be the last year Papa went with us.  The same thoughts with Easter, 4th of July, Father's day and coming in September the girls birthdays. 

It's a hard road to be on.  But, I want to believe my Papa.  It's just a little muddy water in the road and we'll get through this.  That's all you CAN do, is have faith.  Right?

Adam's Prayer For Poppa

This is what my 8 year old put on his Poppa's facebook wall.  Please keep him in your thoughts.  (He used my facebook, doesn't have one of his own.) Thanks.

hey poppa it is adam. Please help my poppa he is real sick and the doctors said he doesnt have long to spend with us please pray for him i cant loose him he is a part of my heart not a small piece not a medium piece he is a huge part of my heart please pray for him even if he does pass away he will stay in my heart forever and ever

Unopened Mind

I think this blog is just for my benefit, but that's kinda cool.  I can type it here and leave it open to the what if's?  Ya know, what if someone who could help reads it, what if it strikes someone's curiousity?  Good what ifs. 

I'm still working on the story, got a little 11,000 words in so far.  Don't know if it will ever go anywhere other than my laptop, but just that fact that it will be something I did, with my own mind and words will be great to me. 

I've realized too, that just finishing it will be an accomplishment.  Just getting to the end and knowing I did it.  My eight year old son gave me the best advise about writing.  He said I just had to trust myself, and believe in what I could do.  Guess that boy's got a pretty good mom putting the same things in his head.

So, for anyone who might read this, anyone who might be able to offer an opinion, I'm puttin up a lil bit of the story, some of the first chapter. 

Here's to chance, maybe it'll work out for me. 

So, here's some of the first chapter for Kasey Chance, The Last Good Witch

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I was here, at the place I had dreaded since the funeral.  The cemetery.  There was still plenty of daylight so I wasn’t creeped out.  It just felt, I don’t know exactly how to describe it but it’s not a feeling I want to feel very often.  Maybe a mixture of feeling sad and lonely at the same time.  I could see her headstone before I got to it.  It was nice as far as headstones go.  The print was pretty, though I don’t know exactly what it was.  There was my mom’s name, Mary Chance, her date of birth and date of death.  To the left there was a dove.  To the right a set of praying hands.  Like I said before, it was nice as far as headstones go.  I felt awkward at first.  How do you talk to someone who isn’t there?  Looking around to make sure I was alone I knelt down, letting my fingers trace her name.  The stone was cold and hard under my fingertips.  I traced ever letter, every number, even the dove before finally letting my hand rest on the ground.

“Hey mom.”  My voice sounded small, even to me.  Clearing my throat I tried again.  “I…I um…I wanted you know I don’t believe them.  I know you didn’t do this.”  I felt my eyes start to sting, but I didn’t try to fight it.  I knew I would cry when I got here but somehow I had to tell her this.  She had to know that I believed in her.  “I should’ve brought you some flowers.  Sorry, I’m not use to this.”  I reached up, wiping my nose with the back of my hand.  I couldn’t help but laugh as I thought about how I must look like some little kid with a runny nose and no knowledge of how to use a tissue.  “I graduated, well, I passed and they’re gonna mail me my diploma cause I didn’t go to graduation….I may even try to go to college later, there’s just some things I need to do first.  Still though, I kept my promise and didn’t quit.”  I stopped to draw in a breath, having to giggle a little. “Sorry about the babble.  But I know you use to smile when I started rambling.”  Again I smiled.  This wasn’t as weird as I thought it was.  Hard, yes, but not really weird.  It would be so much better if she were here, if I was looking into those big blue eyes and had that normal feeling of being safe.  I couldn’t help but wonder if I would ever feel that way again.  “I miss you.”  I felt my breath hitch a small sob came from my mouth.  “ I miss you every day.” 

Before I could say more I heard a twig as it snapped behind me. Quicker than I could have thought possible I was standing up, twirling to see who was with me.  I was a little shocked and even more unnerved to see a man standing there.  He was older, at least in his 40’s.  He was dressed in black, not a sprig of hair on his head, but instead a series of weird tattoos. 

“Isn’t that sweet.”  His voice was low and I could feel the hair stand up on the back of my neck.  This guy looked like some cult member, one of those who has you brainwashed into believing it’s best for you to drink a glass of cyanide with him and join him in the great ever after.

“I…I…um…I thought I was alone.”  I could feel my skin crawl as he looked me up and down, his eyes tracing every inch of my body.  I felt like he was invading my personal bubble.  It made my stomach turn as he smiled, showing his unkept crooked teeth.

“You’re not alone Kasey, not by any means.”  His smile grew as he looked me in the eye.  “You’ll never be alone, but I doubt you’ll live long enough to realize that.”

I didn’t have time to react before I felt the stinging in my cheek.  That jerk hit me.  A full force backhand.  No one had ever hit me, not in my entire life.  I was a little more prepared when he swung the second time, ducking my head down just in time to keep another blow from colliding with my face.  I watched as he pulled a dagger from his back pocket, my heart pounding in my ears.

                As if by reflex I threw my hands up trying to shield my body, anything to keep him from planting that blade anywhere in me.  What I didn’t expect to see was the brightest blue light shooting from my palms.  I watched as it hit him square in the chest, knocking him flat of his back.  He gasped a little before going limp, his mouth open and eyes just barely closed.

                “Kasey!!!”

                Had that light really come from me?  I was scared, well, bordering between that and completely terrified.

                “KASEY!!!!”

                It took a minute to register that someone was calling me, pulling me gently by the back of my shirt and to my Jeep.  When I finally could focus I let out a sigh of relief when I realized I knew my capture.  Melynn, my mom’s best friend, or Aunt Mel as I called her.  She had pulled me from the graveyard and was now driving my jeep away from what I could only hope was still an unconscious ass of a man.

                “What the hell was that?”  My voice was stronger now, stronger than it had been just 10 minutes ago.

                “Watch your mouth.”  She checked the rear view mirror making sure we weren’t being followed.

                “Are you kidding me?”  I had just been attacked and shot blue light from my palms, but she wanted me to watch my mouth.

                “Just breathe Kasey.”  She reached over placing a comforting hand on top of my mine.  “You shouldn’t have gone there, not by yourself.  You’re supposed to be at graduation.”

                I started to explain, to tell her my reasons behind not going.  But then I realized something.  “Hold up, what were you doing out here?”

                She let out a sigh as she took her hand from mine running it through her dark blonde hair.  She was a pretty woman, probably a knock out in her day, but you could almost see the stress that was starting to work its way up into her face and around her blue eyes.  Not the same blue as my moms were, but just a little bit darker.  “I was at graduation but Sam told me he didn’t think you were coming, so I checked here first.”

                I hung my head a little.  She was coming in my mom’s place.  She probably would’ve come even if my mom were still here.  My thoughts shifted pretty quickly, back to the man and the blue light from my hands.  I turned them over checking for what I was sure would be some big disgusting gaping holes in my palms.  There weren’t any though, not one scratch.  I rubbed them together and looked again.  What the hell was happening to me?

                “It’s ok Kase.”  Aunt Mel reached over, placing her hand back one mine.  “I guess I need to explain, but not in the car, okay?  We’re almost to town.  Can you wait that long?”

                I nodded. My brain was still trying to process this.  Looking up I realized she was right, we were away from the country roads and getting closer to the small town of Sayer, Alabama.  We were 30 minutes away from home, my home.  It didn’t take long until we were pulling into the parking lot of the only hotel here.  I was still kind of dazed but managed to keep up with her as she checked us in.  I think that auto pilot thing was kicking in again.

                She slid a card key into the lock and let us in the door.  It was a small room, two double beds filling it for the most part. I walked to the closest bed, sitting down with what I am sure was a dumb founded expression on my face.  Aunt Mel sat on the bed across from me.  She smiled kindly as she fidgeted with her hands.  “You ready for that explanation?”

 I nodded.

                “There’s no easy way to tell you this Kase, but you are a witch.  The last good witch actually.”

See What Happens

Ok, so I'm not sure about this, but it's worth a shot, right?  I read somewhere the best way to get information out is via internet.  Here's my try.  I am in the process of trying to do something that I have only dreamed about until now.  Writing a book.  I've done small stories, gotten good reviews from friends as well as strangers, but I want to do something more.  I want to do something that my kids will be proud of, I also promised my Grandmother I would try to follow through with this dream.

Life's short.  You're not here very long, so you need to make a mark while you can.  I have three beautiful children who will always be the biggest and best mark I could leave on this planet, but I want more.  I want my kids to walk into a bookstore one day and see the book their mom wrote on the rack.  (Preferably not the clearance rack.)  Don't know if anyone will read this, but you never know until you try.  Any advice or a point in the right direction would be great. 

I have the book started and it is science fiction/fantasy. 

Guess I'll wait now and see what happens.

Thanks