The Horizon

The Horizon

“See that, it’s there, just a little ways in the distance.”  I couldn’t help but smile with her as she pointed.

 Though I had no clue as to what she meant, I squinted; trying my best to see just what it was that had captured her attention.  Her look was one that I knew well, it meant she was trying to teach me, show me what I didn’t know.  Creasing my brow I finally had to admit defeat.  “I don’t see it momma.”  A small frown came across my innocent 17 year old face.

“Are you looking, really looking for it?”  Her eyes showed no anger, no disappointment, just curiosity.

I nodded.

“Just there,” She pointed again, “just where the orange and pink meets the blue and purple of the sky, that’s the horizon.”

Following the colors, realization dawned on my face.  “It’s big.”

“You’re like that horizon, you know that?” 

I looked up into those blue eyes that had always made me feel safe, always made me feel loved.  They held a little hope laced with a bigger amount of concern and fear.  I let my eyes travel and take in every detail. Her long brown hair was gone, replaced with shorter curly grey. Her smooth skin now held more wrinkles brought on by her worry and pain.  She was still a beautiful woman, but I couldn’t help but notice what the cancer had taken from her.  I could see now the strain it had put on not only her body, but her mind.

She smiled.  She knew what I was doing, and better yet she loved me for it.  She could see in my own eyes how it affected me to see her struggling.  She knew how much I needed her, how badly I wanted the cancer to go away.  It was then I noticed she wasn’t just looking into my eyes, she was searching my soul. 

“How am I like the horizon?” 

“No matter whom the person, or what their mood is, it’s calming.  You have that affect too.  You calm me.”  Her smile faded a little and I watched as tears came to her eyes.  “The horizon is endless.  That reminds me of you as well.  You’re young.  You have so many possibilities and there’s so much I had hoped to see you do.  There nothing out there that’s impossible for you.  I can see that.”

I swallowed hard, trying to ease the lump in my throat.  I wouldn’t cry though, especially not now, when she needed me to be strong for her.  “What part of the horizon are you?”

Looking away she cleared her throat.  “The sun.  Once upon a time, when I was younger, I was like a sunrise.  Just beginning like a new day.”  Her expression turned more serious.  “The sun’s about to set and this day is almost done.  I’m afraid I’m closer to being a sunset than a sunrise.  My time is nearly up, and it’s your turn to shine like a new day.”  Reaching over she placed a weak had on top of mine.  “I’m proud of you baby girl.  I always have been.  I always will be.”

We watched the sun set that day on that old wooden swing that sat on our front porch.  The following day I turned 18 and 2 weeks later I held her hand as she took her last breath and was finally free from the pain that held her body.

I’m 34 now, and I’m a mom.  Not a day goes by that I don’t stop and notice the sky.  Be it early morning or late afternoon, there’s always something there worth seeing.  My children know of the horizon, of the dreams I have for them to be happy and of the woman who I called mom.  I take the time, just like she did, to let them know that they’re loved and that they’re safe. 

To put it best, you never know how many sunrises you have left.  Don’t let any of them slip away, I haven’t.

This Blogging Thing

So yea, this blogging thing is hard.  I want to do more, and I'm putting myself on some strict restriction until I do.  Life gets in the way sometimes though, and hear lately life has built a freaking mile deep trench between what I am doing, and what I want to do.

I've post on here before about my Papa and his fight with cancer.  Hurts to say, or write rather, that I lost my Papa in the begining of February.  It's been difficult for our family, especially my sister and my kids.  It's like there's a constant mist with us, we can see but just barely.  Tempers are short and emotions are riding the roller coaster from hell.  We're not arguing or anything of that nature, just trying to adjust to a major loss.

If I've learned anything from this, it's that we're strong.  We're strong, and we're determined.  We'll be alright, it'll just take us a while to get back to where we use to be.

As for the book, it's still there.  I have a new idea for it everyday, it just somehow never makes it from my head to the keyboard.  That will change.  I will finsish this damn book, and if it's the only one I ever write, I can live with that. 

So, this blogging thing, well I'll do better, a I'll stay with it.  For all 3 followers I have, lol, I'll do better.

The View From My Seat

Today was awesome.  I know that's a teenage word but there's no other way to describe it.  Today my Papa, my kids and I flew for the first time.  I won't lie, this was not on my list of "things to do".  I've always considered myself afraid of heights, after today, I'd say that's still true.

A very kind hearted pilot took my Papa's request to fly to heart and made it a reality today.  Papa was all smiles.  My kids were all smiles.  I, on the other hand, was split in two.  One on hand I was thrilled this was happening, the smile on their faces was enough to make me glad I went.  Though to be honest, I thought at one point I was gonna have to use my boggin as a puke bag.  (Well, it was either my boggin or one of my shoes.)

I can say this much...It was something none of us will forget.  I glad I "mommed up" and got in the plane.  I can scratch flying off my bucket list, right along with Papa scratching it off his.

I Never Knew

I Never Knew

I never knew what it was like to have a sleepless night

Or how it felt for little arms to wrap around me so tight

I never knew how butterflies could make me laugh so hard

Until I watched you chasing one, round and round in the yard

I never knew that I could see myself in some else's eyes

Or how my heart could break from a simple little cry

I never had to mop the floor, when someone took a bath

Or knew you could turn a bar of soap into a bubble raft

I never knew how  fun it was to wake early to watch cartoons

Or how cute it was to hear someone say goodnight to the moon

I never knew how hard it was, to wipe crayon off the wall

Or how I would try so hard to catch you when you'd fall

I never knew Christmas morning, could make for memories

Or how fun it was to string popcorn around a Christmas tree

I never thought I'd know every word, to every Disney song

Or how funny it was to listen to a child that sang along

I never knew I could smile, just watching someone sleep

Or how thankful I could be, for the memories I keep

There's so much I didn't know, so much I never knew

But I know I'm truly blessed now, all because of you

Please Explain

Please Explain

Could someone please explain to me
A few things I don't know
Like why my memory's failng me
The older that I grow
Or why when I drink alcohol
I think that I can dance
When I know I have no rythm
And still I take that chance
Or why when fussing at my kids
I get there names confused
Its hard to make them mind
When I'm laughing with them too!
Or why my husband seems to think
He's the fix it man himself
Which reminds we have to fix the wall
Where he tried to hang a shelf
Or why my children ask me questions
Then argue with what I say
If you already knew they answer
Why'd you ask me anyway?
Or why my feet betray me
And let everyone see me bust my ass
Why couldn't I fall when I'm alone
Or at least trip with a little class
These are just a few questions
I thought I'd ask and see
Cause I know I'm not losing my mind
Then again maybe its just me

Still in progress

So many things still in progress......

Still praying and fighting right along side Poppa.  I really and truly hate cancer.  I know things happen for a reason and some things you shouldn't question, but really, this sucks.  Poppa's still doing okay, just seems like he's weakier.  New treatment started a few weeks ago, so we're still crossing our fingers and wishing for the best.

As for the book, well, uh, still in progress.  Trying to write but finding out that being a mom with a hope to be an author is a tiring situation.  I want so bad for this to work, for it to actually be something worth reading.  My oldest daughter is my best critic and a hell of book fan.

So that's the update, life is still in progress.

Our Papa

He’s been here every day I remember of my life

I was just a baby, when he took my sister as his wife

He worked nonstop, took care of her, me and momma too

He became a dad to me, doing everything he didn’t have to do

He’s a good man, with a good heart, the kindest soul you’ll see

He’s the kind of man I’m trying to teach my son how to be

We never thought in a million years it would come to this

Now we’re counting every day he’s here as blessing and a gift

I watched him stand so strong, with every test they put him through

He swears he’s gonna beat this and he always tells the truth

I’ve watched my sister cry, right there with her three kids

I’ve watched his grandkids love him, through every bit of this

I’ve watched his sisters taking time, just to come make memories

I’ve watched them hide their tears, every time they have leave

Please Lord don’t take him, that’s our prayer every night

Please help mend his body, please make everything alright

Please Lord give him strength, help him to fight this every day

Help him to be strong, please stay beside him along the way

Help us to be patient, please help us do everything we can

Please Lord fix our Papa, this family’s heart is in your hands